Ever since I could write, I remember having a journal.
A private place to share my feelings, my concerns and even my revelations. A space of complete non-judgment. I could share my deepest, darkest secrets on those pages and never once did they tell me I was wrong. I was free from the fear of disapproval condemning me for the words I had chosen to write. Instead of turning to a confidant, those pages became my friend.
Until they became my enemy.
It was one of those rare moments when I was in a serious relationship. He found my precious journals and took the liberty to work his way through my most intimate secrets. Unknown to me, he flipped through each page, one by one. Over time, the words of my past played over in his mind and haunted his present. In an uncomfortable moment, he came clean and shared how he couldn't get the visuals of my words out of his mind. In shock, I felt violated.
I was quickly transported back to my 8 year old self when my sister found the words that I wrote about Jason. You know the ones that sounded a lot like "Jacqueline and Jason sitting in a tree...K I S S I N G." Although, now I was in my 30s and what I had once written for myself, threatened my relationship.
I was told, "Either the journals go or I go."
At this time, I didn't have the skills or the self-love that I do now. This earlier version of me, gave in and agreed to throw almost all of my prized journals away. As I write these words, the thought of that moment still makes my heart hurt. Jealousy, a lack of confidence and self love all played a role in the events that took place that day. Instead of dwelling on the outcome of that moment in time, I'm flipping the script.
Now, I'm writing for the world to read and I will not throw it away!