Instead of tears, I felt sweat.
Instead of looking for moving objects to walk in front of, I dodged them.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I thought about my next blog title.
The ironic part of my revelation today was that I wouldn’t be sharing any of this with you, without the pain.
I’ve been told, you look like you have it all together. You’re so positive!
Since I left my corporate career, I’ve been pushing myself into a box. I used my career experience to create this version of myself as an entrepreneur. Over the last three years, I’ve chosen a lot of labels…Performance Coach, Trainer, Consultant, Speaker. It didn’t matter the title, I still felt hallow, unfulfilled and somewhat inauthentic. “But, Jacqueline, you’re really good at [fill in the blank]. We should create a project together or you should totally do this!” I would usually respond with “Ok, yes, you’re right. I think that’s a good idea, I’ll explore it.”
And, then – I would take off down the rabbit hole.
If I showed you the number of business plans, flip charts, content outlines, videos never aired, articles never published – you would wonder if I ever sleep. The fact remains, what I’ve released into the world is only a fraction of the work I’ve done behind the scenes.
Clearly, the “doing” has never been a deterrent for me. My coaching soul-sister once said, “You’re the hardest working person I know.” And, inside deep down I still felt like a failure. How could I create so much and still have this empty feeling? The projects I threw myself into were continually met by my familiar friend, resistance. I would experience these full throttle blocks that left me feeling paralyzed. I would lay there thinking, “What is it??? Why can’t I make this work? What am I not doing? What is wrong with me?” Enter in self-deprecating thoughts of why I will never succeed in this world as a business owner.
Yet, from the outside – three years on her own, working for consulting firms, speaking at conferences & coaching leaders. On the inside, my soul was whispering to me, “Jacqueline you feel resistance because what you’re doing is a Band-Aid to the real work you’re meant to do here.” But, inside I was screaming, “I don’t know what that real work is…tell me! Please someone just tell me why I’m here. Who am I supposed to help?”
I can now say that the "doing" and the "work" never freed my soul.
Today, as I write, the words continue to flow with ease. I’ve suspended judging myself in the process and am awakened by a deep sense of satisfaction, knowing I don’t have to fabricate a perfectly crafted post to align with one of my arbitrary titles.
Would I have found this feeling any other way than the way it found me? I guess that’s part of the mystery of life.
Only my soul knows.